


So I'll Cherish

by BreTheWriter



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Star Trek: Into Darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-17
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 21:20:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1201087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BreTheWriter/pseuds/BreTheWriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy feels guilty that he was able to save one hero and not the other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So I'll Cherish

It's raining, which seems fitting. And not a light drizzle, either--not the kind where the sky is silver and the droplets are dancing and kids splash through puddles and lovers share kisses under umbrellas and old men sit in armchairs by windows with mugs of tea and good books. It's the hard kind of rain, where the sky is angry and black and the drops are slamming into the earth like they want to destroy it and kids sit inside sulking and lovers are going out of their minds worrying about each other and old men are alone for the first time in almost thirty years.

Leonard's a doctor, dammit, he should know better, but he's walking down the streets of San Francisco with his head bowed against the rain and his shoulders hunched, hands jammed in the pockets. No hat, no umbrella, no jacket; the somber grey dress uniform doesn't do much to keep him warm and he feels soaked to the skin, like he'll never get warm again. And he doesn't care.

He shouldn't have been there.

And if he had to be there, he shouldn't have been alone.

"You tryin' to catch pneumonia, boy?"

Leonard looks up, irritated, but the "go to hell" dies on his lips when he sees the man standing next to him, holding a black umbrella over them both. "No, sir," he mutters instead.

"Liar." Dr. Phillip Boyce doesn't smile when he says this. "And please, not 'sir.' Phil, or Boyce if you must, but...I can't handle 'sir.' Not today." Before Leonard can apologize, or say anything at all, Boyce continues. "You getting sick with a wholly preventable disease with the potential for all kinds of nasty complications won't help you, you know. Or Jim."

Leonard's gut twists at the mention of Jim. "You think he's woken up yet?"

Boyce raises an eyebrow. "It's your serum. You tell me."

"Don't remind me," Leonard mumbles, his gut twisting further as he thinks of the letter on his kitchen counter in the apartment he's barely seen in the last few days.

Boyce ignores this. "My guess, though, is that he hasn't. I've never met Jim Kirk in person, more's the pity, although I know I'll be getting my chance sooner or later. But if I were a betting man, I'd say that when he _does_ come around, it'll be when you're the physician in attendance. Chris always says that boy has an uncanny sense of dramatic timing."

Leonard can't even summon up the ghost of a smile. "I'm sorry, Phil. I'm so sorry."

"For what?" Boyce stops in the middle of the sidewalk and stares at Leonard.

"For..." Leonard gestures around him. "For this. For everything."

Boyce stares a moment longer, then says quietly, "Come here."

They're standing right outside one of the Academy buildings, the Museum of Flight, a glass-walled structure stretching up above them. On a rainy Saturday afternoon this time of the semester, it's empty, the interior barely lighter than the exterior. Boyce leads Leonard unhesitatingly through the double doors and over to one of the low steel benches, where they sit down. The pounding of the rain on the glass echoes behind them, but they ignore it. At least it means they won't be overheard.

"What do you have to be sorry for?" Boyce asks, his voice still quiet.

Leonard swallows hard. "Jim...and Pike...and I couldn't..." He looks away, tears beginning to prick at his eyes, unable to articulate it.

"I see," Boyce says. "You feel guilty that your serum was able to jump-start Jim's system again, but not Chris's. You feel guilty that you had a cryo-tube handy to put Jim in when he died, but not when Chris died. You feel guilty that, when the serum was injected, Jim's vital signs returned within an hour, but Chris failed to respond despite repeated injections. You feel guilty that we are walking from the Starfleet Veterans' Cemetery, where Christopher Pike's body has just been laid to rest, to the Starfleet Medical Center, where James Kirk is recovering from fatal radiation poisoning. You feel guilty, in short, that you got a second chance, but I did not."

"Yeah," Leonard whispers. "That about covers it."

"Experimental cures are just that--experimental," Boyce says softly. "Sometimes they don't work for everyone. Maybe Jim is the lucky one and it won't work for most people. Maybe Chris was unfortunate and it just wouldn't work for him. Maybe it only works for certain types of death. What did you say that tribble of yours had died of--age? And Jim died of radiation poisoning. Their internal organs were still intact. Chris was--" His voice breaks for the first time. He gathers himself and whispers, a little shakily, "Chris was killed in a firefight. He was shot, bleeding internally, probably with several major organs missing. What good would a blood serum do if it couldn't circulate his body properly?"

"How can you just--accept it?" Leonard cries, looking back up at Boyce. "It's not fair--you should have--" He breaks off, shaking his head as he looks at his hands. "You two deserved more time. Why were Jim and I given that and not you? If anyone deserves it, you did."

Boyce puts a hand on Leonard's back. "Look at me, son," he commands. Leonard complies. "Now you listen, Leonard, and you listen good. I first met Christopher Pike twenty-five years ago. He was fresh out of Starfleet Academy, a newly minted officer, twenty-six, a little older than most recent graduates but no less eager. I was serving my second tour on the U.S.S. _Kensington,_ under Captain Alexander Marcus. Chris was his pet project, a junior lieutenant and a crack pilot, with a hot temper and a tendency to jump the gun. Two months after he came aboard, he got his first chance at an away mission, poked his nose in where it didn't belong, and got bitten by a venemous plant. I was the doctor on duty at the time, and I fussed at him while I was treating him. Told him that only idiots touched plants they couldn't identify and that he should have had a botanist in his party, or a science officer of some kind. He told me he did, and when I asked why he hadn't spoken to the scientist first he said, rather impatiently, that he didn't have time to consult a panel of experts every time he went to take a step. Marcus came in while I was yelling at Chris--I mean outright _yelling_ \--that the whole purpose of him taking an away _team_ was so that their strengths could compensate for his weaknesses--like being an idiot. Marcus started telling me off and was about to write me up, but then Chris interrupted and said, 'No, sir, he's right. I was foolish and didn't listen to my officers, and I got hurt. The fault is mine and he was right to call me on it.'

"Marcus let me off with a warning, and Chris stayed quiet while I treated him. I apologized for yelling and thanked him for standing up for me. He waved both off, then said, 'Next time I lead a party, I'm taking a medical officer with me. I'd like you to go.' So the next time he had a mission, I went along. He impressed me by actually asking--and listening to--everyone's advice, including mine, and I told him that when we got back aboard safely. He grinned and said I wasn't too bad to have around, then invited me to eat with him." Boyce gets quiet for a moment, his eyes staring ahead unseeingly. "We spent a lot of time together after that. And the next time we got shore leave at the same time, I surprised us both by asking him to go see a movie with me--and he surprised us both by accepting.Two years later he was offered the first officer's position on the _Constitution_ itself, and he told the brass he would only accept if I went with him. A year later, Captain Robert April presided over our wedding. When Chris got command of his first starship, the _Eagle,_ I went with him as CMO. We served in space together for near twenty years before we decided to stay planetside for a while. He got a job at the Academy and I took the job at Starfleet Medical. But then the brass promised Chris the _Enterprise_ when she came out of the dockyards, and I promised I would go with him. There was never any doubt that one of us would go up without the other."

"Why didn't you?" The question tears itself from Leonard's throat before he can stop it. But when the _Enterprise_ went on her maiden voyage, her Chief Medical Officer was not Phillip Boyce but Puri.

Boyce sighs, looking up at Leonard. "I was sick. Just a cold, nothing serious, but I was milking it for all it was worth--I admit that. Chris teased me about it before he left for that hearing of Jim's, but he also made sure I was comfortable on the sofa, gave me a glass of orange juice and left the radio going, then kissed my forehead. He made sure to comm me as soon as he knew what was up, told me Puri would be acting as CMO. I remember saying it was a good thing he wouldn't need a medic, then, and he laughed before signing off." He swallowed. "Then the station broke with the news that all but one ship had been destroyed. Cold or no cold, I was out of the apartment and halfway to headquarters before I thought about it. When Archer came out of his office and told me that the _Enterprise_ was the only surviving ship, I dropped to my knees right there in the middle of the hallway. And you'd better believe I was right there to meet her when she came in."

Leonard vaguely remembers seeing Boyce at the landing dock when they returned to Earth. "I do. I was on the _Enterprise,_ remember?"

"Of course. I remember the day Chris brought your file home and told me you were going to be my second-in-command once the ship was up and running. He was almost as proud of you as he was of Jim." Boyce shakes his head. "Leonard...when I first had time alone with Chris after that...he clung to me and started sobbing. I cried, too--I'd come so close to losing him, and I blessed you and Jim Kirk for bringing him home to me. But he was crying because of Puri. If I hadn't been sick, if I'd been able to be on that ship, I would have been the one who died." He looks Leonard directly in the eye. "So Chris and I got a whole year we might not have had together. Three hundred and seventy-eight days where, even though he'd been hurt, even though he'd been broken, we had each other and we could put one another back together, the way we'd always done."

"But you should have had more," Leonard says again.

"You're right," Boyce answers. "We should have. I'd looked forward to spending the rest of my life with Chris--I've got twelve years on him, we both expected I'd go first. But listen to me. _Listen_ to me. For every time I thought I was gonna lose him, every moment where my heart was in my throat--every instance where I had to be his doctor instead of his husband--I had ten moments where I could just hold him and be with him and savor the fact that we were together, that out of all the people in the galaxy, he chose to commit himself to _me._ How long have you and Jim been together?"

"We've known each other for almost four years," Leonard answers slowly. "But we've been _us_ for only about a year." He does the math, quickly. "Four hundred and nineteen days, to be exact."

"Don't you feel guilty for a single one of them. Chris and I had twenty-five good, long years together. Do I wish we'd had more? Of course I do. I'll never _stop_ wishing that. I'll never stop missing him. But, son, don't you _dare_ feel guilty that you get the chance to have more time with Jim." Boyce eyes flood with tears. "You and Jim--you're no less deserving of time together than Chris and I were. No matter how much time you get with the ones you love, it's never enough. Chris loved Jim, loved that boy like a son. And he felt the same way about you. He was so happy you'd found each other. He wouldn't want you to feel guilty about getting more time. Either of you."

Leonard swallows hard, his own eyes brimming with tears again. "He should've been there," he whispers. "If this had to happen...Jim should've been there."

Wordlessly, Boyce wraps his arms around Leonard, and then both of them are crying--Boyce for the husband he's lost, Leonard for the lover he might still lose--and the rain lashes at the window and nobody disturbs them. And maybe, just maybe, once they've calmed down and they're able to start walking again, some of the oppressive spirit that's been weighing them down has lifted, just a little.

And maybe, wherever he is, Christopher Pike is watching and knows that his family will be okay. Eventually.


End file.
